My Favorite Tip for Relieving Anxiety

June 16, 2020

(Note: I’m not affiliated with any of the links in this article. I do not make money if you click any of the links, they are there for educational purposes only.)

Persistent racing thoughts reminding me of my impending doom. Feelings of fear toward the reality of these thoughts. Breakdowns knowing my time is limited. These sensations have been my constant companion ever since I can remember. Only in the last few years have I started to learn that this may not be a normal but I’m 100% not alone this feeling.

If you’re anything like me, or know someone like me, you know how much anxiety isn’t just a little tick of random nerves. Instead it encompasses all of you; every thought, every feeling, even your physical health.

When I first started seeing a therapist about my anxiety, I honestly would cry when leaving because of how much lighter I would feel. I had no idea how much my mind was feeding me garbage and how I believed all of it. I had no idea that it was not normal to feel consistently overwhelmed and dreadful. More than all that, I had no idea how so many people felt the same way I did! Discovering this was such a relief, as I had been told my whole life how “weird” I was or how I needed to just “shake it off”.

I couldn’t just “shake it off,” and I may never fully be able to, but now I’ve gained tools that allow me to fight back instead of succumbing to the anxiousness. One of my favorite tools is the utterly shocking truth that,

“You don’t have to listen or believe every thought that pops in your head!”

“WHAT?!?” That was my honest to goodness response when my therapist first told me this. I was entirely shaken.

I had lived so long with believing that every thought, every feeling I had ever experienced deserved time, attention, and an internal discussion. I had no idea that thoughts are actually like billboard adverts on the highway; flashing past your mind, leaving as quickly as they came, unless you want to take a second look.

Toni Bernhard J.D., an award winning author and mental health guru, wrote an article in Psychology Today on this exact topic, stating, “Trying to control the thoughts that arise in your mind is a losing battle. What matters to your well-being is not which thoughts arise but how you respond to them.”

See what I learned with my therapist, and what Toni Bernhard J.D., is trying to explain here is that not all thoughts need or deserve your attention. When a thought arises that you don’t like, you can literally ignore it! It does not need to be listened or believed. On the other hand, when thoughts arise that you do choose to listen to, YOU control the dialogue, YOU control how to respond to it.

The folks over at TED* The Empowerment Dynamic (not to be confused with Ted Talks) wrote an awesome article about the ways in which to respond to the thoughts you choose to listen to. Using what they call your Creator voice, you respond to your thoughts based on the outcome you want rather than the outcome your thoughts are telling you to expect. It’s a proactive, rather than reactive response and it does your mental health a ton of good.

So now I try my best to ignore my thoughts when they tell me, “you’re not good enough,” “the world is ending,” or “you’re dying.” Sure those thoughts still creep in from time to time but I now know that in those moments I have a choice. I can either continue to listen them, or I can tell them, “I see you. I understand why you’re here. However, I’m tired of listening to you and all your negitivity. Today I’m going to choose to instead believe that all the things I want will come true! So please shut up, and go away!” And slowly but surely those anxious thoughts begin to fade as I get stronger and stronger in choosing what I want to think about.

© Copyright 2021 A Little Drop of COurage - All Rights Reserved

May 29, 2020March 4, 2022

8 Things That Bring Me Joy

A Little Drop of Courage

8 Things That Bring Me Joy

May 29, 2020

As I write this I find myself outside on my porch because my power has gone out due to a strong thunderstorm passing by. I don’t mind the power going out really, as it quiets the world for a moment allowing me to really enjoy the thunderstorm in all its glory.

Taking time to enjoy this atmospherical phenomenon has got me thinking about all the other things that bring me a ridiculous amount of joy but I tend to forget about in the busyness of daily life.

1. Reading – I love cuddling up in bed with a good story. I find it hard sometimes to convince myself to read when I’ve got a million and one things going on. Who else can relate? But every time I find a little time to spare, I’m so glad I have. Getting the chance to imagine all the characters and settings in your mind, and knowing them as if they are real is such a treasure. Like a little secret world that’s all your own. One book I’ve adored reading during quarantine is Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman. I’ve linked it in case you’re in for a good, story-twisting read.

2. Going to the zoo – I absolutely LOVE going to the zoo. The most exciting part for me is getting to see all the animals from all over the world, and learning about their habitats, diets, and family hierarchies. The best zoo I have ever been to is the St. Louis Zoo in Missouri. First off, its FREE, (how freaking amazing is that??), but also it is the largest zoo I’d ever been in. It honestly took John and I one whole day, 10 am – 6 pm, to get through its entirety and if we could have spent more time there, we would have.

3. Riding the train – Now when I say trains I’m not meaning subways, monorails, or bullet trains, I mean regular moving Amtrak trains. To me this is the greatest form of transportation. Sure it may take a bit longer than a bullet train or airplane, but you have plenty of leg room, a dining car, sleeping quarters, and (the best part) massive windows that allow you to see the underbelly of towns as you swiftly move on by. It’s awesome!

4. Dancing – Dancing probably seems like an obvious one but for me no matter if I dance in a big group, or by myself in my own living room, it always ups my mood and gives me a little boost of sexy confidence, and who doesn’t love that?

5. Science Center’s – Science center’s are amazing for all the hands on learning aspects. At a science center you can get swept away in a tornado, film yourself reporting the weather, manipulate gravity, or even discover the stories hidden in the night skies. I will say, sometimes these places can be packed with kids and school field trips, which can be a little upsetting when you want to play with cool science stuff too! But most science center’s actually have what’s called an “Adult’s Only” night, where they open the science center for only those 21 & up, and they even serve alcohol! I frequently attend the Orlando Science Center’s adult’s only night and it’s always a good time. If this is something you’re interested in, check out your local science center and see if they offer this option.

6. Painting – I’ve talked about my love of painting before, but I had to add it to this list. There’s just something about getting to just listen to music and paint out the picture in your head, or create it as you go, that I find to be so relaxing. Whenever I feel stressed, or overwhelmed, I paint!

7. Interior Decorating – Making a place a home cannot be understated. I really want my home to be a place I can come to after a long day of work and be able to relax, feel cozy, and be surrounded by things that make me happy. On Etsy I am always find something really cute and unique, or I try to make them myself from how-to’s I find on Pinterest. If I’m looking for larger budget friendly finds I can always be sure to find something great at Target or Shein.

8. Board Games – Getting the whole group of family/friends together for a night of board games encompasses some of my favorite memories. Just doing something together, no phones, no TV distractions, and watching the competitiveness unleash, always stands for an absolute hilarious time. Whenever I’m looking for a new board game to play or want to sell my old ones I turn to BoardGameCo. It’s a great site where you can buy, sell, or trade board games, which is awesome when you want to try new games and don’t want to spend a ton of money!

So there you have it! 8 things that bring me a ridiculous amount of joy. Maybe some of those were on your list, or maybe you discovered something entirely new. Either way I hope you spend the rest of your day getting to spend a little time doing some of the things that bring you joy. As for me, I’ll be heading back inside as my electricity is finally back. Hallelujah!

© Copyright 2021 A Little Drop of COurage - All Rights Reserved

May 26, 2020March 4, 2022

Things I Remind Myself Daily – Part 1

A Little Drop of Courage

Things I Remind Myself Daily – Part 1

May 26, 2020

(Note: None of the links in this article are sponsored. I do not get paid if you click on them.)

So who’s all a perfectionist out there! Hello! Hi! My name is Hayley and I’m a recovering perfectionist (LOL!). In all seriousness, perfectionism is an actual form of anxiety and I definitely struggle with it.

I can’t remember when it started, but I can say that I’ve always felt the need to be 110% at what I do. Not only that, but if my activities weren’t making me money, educating me, or supporting my physical health, then they were simply a waste of my time.

After being furloughed for COVID19, I struggled with this even harder. The moment I was furloughed I thought, “I can do this! I’m going to start a bunch of new businesses, learn a new language, redo my resume, get crazy fit, etc, etc, etc, etc…” Little did I know that about a week into quarantine I would feel the toll of not leaving my house, of not seeing my friends and family, and my anxiety would start to kick into overdrive.

I would wake up later than normal (1PM…ughh.) and be wrought with anger at how much of the day I had already wasted. I’d jump out of bed and pressure myself to still try and do everything on my list. This ultimately turned into stress, which turned into panic attacks, which turned into exhaustion, leading me to fall asleep at my work desk, not accomplishing anything at all. This continued for weeks.

Feeling emotionally done, on top of the consistent panic of potential illness, I sought help. I’ll save you the details of everything we worked through, but it came to pass that I should really take up a hobby… just for fun (this sounded like a painfully foreign concept to me). No pressure. Just to enjoy. Ugh.

To be honest, I wasn’t doing much of looking for a “fun” hobby, until one day an artist friend of mine posted on Facebook how to paint! A switch went off! I mean, I remember how badly I wanted to paint growing up, but “it wasn’t productive” so I didn’t…. I decided to go for it!

As soon as I arrived home, I got started! Setting up my easel, mixing my paints, deciding on a design, it all felt so relaxing and just, fun (who da thunk?)! After a couple hours of trial and error my painting was done. It wasn’t perfect by any means, and I doubt the Smithsonian would ever want to hang it up on their walls, but for once in my life I didn’t care! I just had fun and enjoyed the resulting product.

© Copyright 2021 A Little Drop of COurage - All Rights Reserved

May 23, 2020March 4, 2022

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Anxiety

A Little Drop of Courage

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Anxiety

May 23, 2020

We’ve all heard it a million and one times that communication is KEY to a successful relationship, but when one of you has anxiety communication can become even more difficult. And that holds true for me and John.

I had been friends with John for a little over a year when we first started talking about dating. Up to this point John knew nothing about my anxiety, he had never seen me go through a panic attack, or experienced my racing thoughts. I had sheltered most of my “anxious ticks” if you will, away from everyone. I didn’t want the judgement or jokes. When it came to being in a relationship however, I knew I needed to be open and honest from the start.

It’s been 3 years since that first date, and I truly believe our relationship wouldn’t be going so strong if I hadn’t been honest from the beginning, he hadn’t been willing to work at it, and we hadn’t talked openly every step of the way. We’ve of course had our struggles along the way, at times mis-communicating so bad we’d just give up and laugh it off, but we always keep trying to learn new ways to get through every situation.

Through our each of our missteps we’ve found solutions that have brought us back to a place of compassion and grace. So if you, or your partner has anxiety, here’s our tried and true solutions to communicating to your partner when you have anxiety:

Always tell your partner when you begin to feel anxious – If you’re anything like me and anxiety seems to show up at least a few times an hour, this may be annoying first. However, letting your partner into the inner workings of your brain (i.e., when you have anxiety, why you believe you’re anxious, etc) will help them understand your patterns of anxiety and what anxiety really looks like for you. Doing this has led John to know when I’m about to get anxious and calm my thoughts before I even say anything! It’s such a relief!

Tell your partner what you need in that moment and why – *They can’t read your mind!* – Your partner should be a person who wants to support you through all your struggles and help you get to a better place. They can’t know how to help you if you don’t verbally express what you need and why. Sometimes when I’m having a panic attack I can’t always verbalize what I need, so I quickly tell John that I just need him to be quiet and sit there. When the panic is over we discuss what happened and what I needed from him. This way the next time I have a panic he knows what to do!

Come up with code words to express things you need to tell the other person but which usually hurts the other persons feelings – This may seem a little bit silly but it’s helped our relationship a ton. I used to get very anxious when John would ask for space, my anxious thoughts would tell me I did something wrong and he wants to break up. This turned to MANY talks, and some fights but eventually we came to understand that everyone needs alone time and this doesn’t mean he’s breaking up with me. So when either of us needs our space, instead of saying “give me space!” we say “pillow” (don’t ask why that’s our code word, it just works for us LOL) and then we know the other person still loves us but just needs a little space.

Give each other space during arguments – Let’s be honest, no one has ever resolved a fight by screaming at one another. When tempers are up unfair words and criticisms can also arise leading to more destruction than deserved. So when John and I see our tempers rising and we begin to raise our voices, we stop. Question. And then separate into different rooms to reconvene after we have cooled down a bit. This always leads to a positive, growth-filled conversation, where we each take turns expressing why we were upset. More often then not, anxiety got the best of one of us which led to a simple mis-communication, we laughed about it, grew from it, and moved on!

Always remind each other that fighting is good – I used to freak out every time John and I would get into a fight because I thought it was the end (silly anxiety brain). After a year or so of battling these thoughts, I learned that all the fights actually brought us together. Fighting means we are different people, with our own sets of likes, dislikes, and desires, and through fighting you get to know what those are. Fighting is good as it makes your relationship stronger. Just always remember fighting is good as long as you’re fighting for each other and not for yourself, if you can do that, then you two can get through and grow from anything.

Try a few of these the next time you or your partner are getting anxious and see if they help alleviate the tension. Let me know below which ones you tried, and if they helped or not. OR what are some tricks you and your partner have when dealing with anxiety, let know as well!

© Copyright 2021 A Little Drop of COurage - All Rights Reserved

May 22, 2020March 4, 2022

How to Meditate – For Beginners

A Little Drop of Courage

How to Meditate – For Beginners

May 22, 2020

Welcome to meditation for beginners!! Let me start out by saying meditation has literally changed my life, and I don’t say that about everything.

I’ve had anxiety since as far back as I can remember and I had been told about meditation numerous times but I always swished it off as something only monks do in far away temples. I wasn’t ready to commit to the legs-crossed, thumb to forefinger, humming lifestyle that I’d seen meditation represented like in pop culture. Turns out, it’s nothing like that! (okay, it’s a little like that, but we’ll get more into that later.. just hang with me)

My first meditation session was just 10 minutes long, and I’ll admit, the whole time I kept thinking to myself, “oh gawd this is boring, I might as well quit”. Honestly, my back was hurting, my thoughts were racing, the music was zoning me to sleep, and I was hungry. I did NOT want to continue. But I did it! I did the whole 10 minutes, and guess what happened after: I was so calm!! Literally, probably the calmest I’d ever been in my whole life. I was hooked!

To be frank, I still get the “oh gawd this is boring I want to quit” feeling sometimes, but I also know the feeling of calmness that comes after, so I push through and do it anyways and I’m always thankful for it.

Now the fun stuff! If you’re anything like me and need a way to relax your anxiety and racing thoughts, then give yourself patience (seriously, patience is KEY), and follow the next steps.

Note: I’m not a trained meditation expert, therapist, or doctor. I’m not prescribing something and I don’t know if it will work for you. These are simply the ways I’ve learned to meditate and what works for me and I’m now giving what I’ve learn to you. Take it or leave it. 🙂

Find a quiet place. Turn your phone ringer to silent. Turn off the TV. And if you have kids, and they won’t stop leaving you alone, tell them you need 10 minutes and if they disturb you they will get a list of chores they have to do. LOL!

Step 2:

Turn on peaceful music. My favorite playlists for this includes distant thunderstorms or soft piano. If you’re still lost, look up meditation playlists on Spotify, there’s quite a few really good ones!

Step 3:

Put yourself in a comfortable position. This can be laying down, sitting upright (legs crossed or not, doesn’t really matter) or in childs pose. Whatever position make sure it’s not one that might put you asleep (hence why people usually go for that cross legged position).

Step 4:

Set a timer. You can easily fall asleep while meditating, and knowing how busy we all are, you most certainly don’t want to do that. Begin with 5-10 minutes. As you get more comfortable you can push yourself for longer.. There’s literally people out there that can meditate for HOURS. Bless them.

Step 5:

Close your eyes and begin focusing on your breathing. To start you can take a few big deep breaths in and out counting to 10 on each inhale and exhale. After those few return your breath to normal. Focus the entire time on the breath. Following it in your mind all the way in and all the way.

Step 6:

Release thoughts that may come up and continue to focus on your breath. This is 100% the hardest part of meditation, but it’s where the real work begins. Thoughts will surely pop up as you sit there in silence. Thoughts may come one at a time, or maybe there’s a truck load of thoughts, either way notice them, but do not judge them and do not linger on them. Every time a thought pops up notice it, but refocus your attention back to the breath. Do not judge or punish yourself if you catch yourself lingering on a thought, rather release it and go back to your breath.

Step 7:

Continue with Step 5 until the alarm goes off. At which time, slowly begin to come back to your surroundings. Scan your body with movement. And open your eyes.

And voila! That’s all there is to meditating! Seems simple right? It is, once you get the hang of it. And you’ll be AMAZED at how calm you are for the rest of the day.

On the other hand if you find self-guided meditation difficult a great app I love to use is Calm. It works really well with teaching the basics of meditation and how to use it in your daily life. It also has a lot of different series that focus on things like work anxiety, depression, habit breaking, and much more! It even has bedtime stories spoken by Matthew McConaughey and other stars to put in right to sleep. I highly recommend trying them out; it’s free to start!!

Note: I am not sponsored or affiliated with Spotify or Calm. I am not making money if you choose to click on the links or use their products. It is at your discretion to use the links/products.

Would love to know how your meditations go! Let me know below as I would love to support you on your journey!

Oh, and namaste!

© Copyright 2021 A Little Drop of COurage - All Rights Reserved

May 21, 2020March 4, 2022

4 Best Songs to Boost Confidence INSTANTLY

A Little Drop of Courage

4 Best Songs to Boost Confidence INSTANTLY

May 21, 2020

My anxiety can sometimes (ha! more often than I really care to admit) get the best of me, and when it does I feel like a big ol’ bucket of dirty cloth. I start thinking the worst about myself, which turns into a very negative downward cycle of self-hatred and ice cream bingeing.

What I need in that moment, what we all need in those moments, is not another binge-fest of Friends, though who doesn’t love seeing Ross and Rachel’s love entanglement for the thousandth time? What we need is a boost of confidence! A boost of energy that gets us up, gets us excited, and gets our feet dancing!

Over the last year I’ve been compiling music that gets me off the couch when I feel like it the least and gets me dancing and smiling like it’s nobody’s business.

I’d Rather Be Me from the Original Broadway Cast of Mean Girls – Whether you have physical bullies or internal ones, this song is great at reminding you how stupid they are, and how awesome you are! It also talks a bit about how society has created bully culture and why being yourself is 100% worth it, whether it makes you “popular” or not. If you’re anything like me you’ll be belting this song out repeatedly!
Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix – Okay, maybe you don’t have an ex that you absolutely despise, (or maybe you do). However, no matter what your romantic life looks like this song is empowering! Reinforcing the age out truth that what you go through in life makes you who you are, and you’re better and more awesome for it!
Still Learning by Halsey – This is one of the slower songs on this list but it’s still worthy of busting a move to! I love this song because it reminds us that self love is a journey, not a destination. There will always be hard stuff to deal with, and you’re probably going to mess up from time to time, but forgiving yourself and learning to love yourself through it is of utmost importance!
Sweet Lovin’ by Sigala featuring Bryn Christopher – No matter what mood I am in coming into this song, I always leave in it the best mood! Sure it doesn’t have a huge empowering ballad but sometimes you don’t need all that. You just need to get your booty up and dancing, and this one is awesome for just that!

Honorable mentions:

Strip by Little Mix featuring Sharaya J
Thank You, Next by Arianna Grande
Who Says by Selena Gomez
***Flawless by Beyonce
I Won’t by Little Mix (can you tell I love Little Mix LOL)

Of course in no way does this list encompass all my feel good songs… thank god! There are LOADS out there and I would love to hear some of your favorites! Let me know in the comments what songs you can’t help but get happy listening to 🙂

May 20, 2020March 4, 2022

Things I Remind Myself Daily – Part 2

A Little Drop of Courage

Things I Remind Myself Daily – Part 2

May 20, 2020

Have you ever been called over dramatic? Too sensitive? Or, my favorite, crazy?! Have you ever felt really excited, or really sad, and then given reasons why you shouldn’t? Well in case you haven’t experienced this let me tell you how it feels, LIKE SH*T! Yes. I put that in all capitals with a curse word because getting told your feelings don’t matter or are wrong doesn’t just a feel like little paper cut, no. Getting your feelings invalidated feels like getting punched in the gut by the biggest fists in the world. Repeatedly.

Maybe that’s an over dramatization, but guess what? I don’t care! Why? Because it’s how I feel, and I’m allowed to feel however I want! And guess what, SO DO YOU!

I grew up in what I later learned to be an emotionally abusive home. Constantly being told that my feelings were too much, ridiculous, or crazy. When I voiced my opinion I reminded how wrong I was, a “moron”. When I got really excited about a new TV show, or a doll, or new music I was informed I was childish and lacked taste. And when I picked up hobbies that were different from my siblings I was told how I was lazy, silly, or a nerd. I was left confused and feeling like something was wrong with me. Why can’t I just think like everyone else? Why can’t I be good at what everyone else is?

These feelings turned to shame, self-hatred, and anxiety.

Its been a long journey since then, and honestly, I’m still learning to deal. But one thing I have learned to do, when I’m facing judgement and feeling shame and doubt, is to question. I ask myself:

Do I believe what they are telling me?
Do they have my best interest at heart?
Do I feel good about what they’ve told me?
Did they speak to my kindly?
Is this person happy?

If I answer all these questions with an overwhelming NO, then I turn away from them, they don’t deserve any more of my energy, and remind myself “I’m allowed to feel however I feel” and get back to living my best life.

May 20, 2020March 4, 2022

5 Tricks to Relieve Anxiety

A Little Drop of Courage

5 Tricks to Relieve Anxiety

May 20, 2020

When that tingling feeling starts in my hands, my heart starts pounding loud enough for me to hear it, and my thoughts begin to race, I know exactly what it is: anxiety.

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. For some it comes out of nowhere, for others it shows up like clockwork, every day at the same time. For me it shows up when I get hungry, or am working out, or driving, or am alone. No matter how or when it shows up it’s almost never welcome.

Our misfiring flight or fight system makes us want to try ANYTHING to get rid of it. To kick it to the curb! To get it gone once and for all. But alas, it almost always shows up again. So next time it pops its little monster head try these 5 tricks (my personal favorites!) to give yourself some relief:

Meditate – Yes, yes, this one has probably been said to you one hundred times, and the thought of sitting in a crosslegged pose with your eyes closed “humming” probably doesn’t sound appealing, but guess what, you don’t have to! Meditation can literally happen anywhere at anytime (well, try not to be driving or operating heavy machinery, LOL). This is by far my FAVORITE and most successful technique at calming my anxiety.

Go for walk – Getting your blood flowing, and your body moving does wonders for your mental health. It also can rewire the brain to think that anxiety time is really exercise time! BONUS!

Listen to your favorite, upbeat music – Listening to something positive can send signals to your brain that says “everything is okay, I mean listen to how awesome this song is!” And if you feel like it, get up and bust a move!

Talk to a friend/family member – Opening up to those closest to you about your anxiety and fears can feel like a elephant coming off your shoulders. It gives you that peace of mind knowing someone else knows and you aren’t having to deal with it on your own. They may also be able to offer some advice that cuts through the nerves.

Write it down – I have found that when I have anxiety, writing it out forces my brain to focus and really think about what I am feeling and why. It gives me time to get to the heart of my anxiety so the next time I face it I know exactly what’s causing it and I can combat that anxiety with facts.

These are just a few of the ways I’ve learned to combat my anxiety. I would love to hear what tricks you have learned! Drop a comment and let’s fight this beast together!

May 17, 2020October 9, 2021

Things I Remind Myself Daily – Part 3

A Little Drop of Courage

Things I Remind Myself Daily – Part 3

May 17, 2020

Isn’t it funny how we grow up completely content with our naked faced selves until one day someone/something tells us we shouldn’t be? I believe I was somewhere around the age of 13 when I first realized that I was ugly and I NEEDED make-up to be considered pretty/popular/loveable. Luckily I had an older sister who, much to her digression, had a vast makeup stash I could rampage and start practicing putting on eyeliner, mascara, the works.

Now these were the early 2000’s, the days before YouTube Make-Up Tutorials, so I most certainly didn’t have a clue what I was doing, and I look back and laugh at the clown I turned myself into. However, my 13 year old self was rocking those looks and felt like a supermodel! That was, until the day was done, the make-up was all washed off, and I looked into the mirror and saw myself for what I really was: ugly, a fake, and stupid.

This daily cycle of confidence to self hatred continued until my Sophomore year in college when I decided cold turkey to go on a 6 months no make-up fast. At this time in my life I was exhausted waking up extra early to put on make-up for classes where no one was even looking at me. Make-up wasn’t making me feel better about myself, it was getting in the way of my studies, and it was holding me back from feeling 100% confident in my own skin.

So I did it! 6 months no make-up, and boy let me tell you it was 10,000,000 times more difficult than I thought. At first it was easy, I would jump out of bed, brush my hair, wash my face, and go! Simple. Then started the days where I normally would have been excited about putting on make up, such as group events, dates, and weekend excursions. There were times when I seriously thought about quitting and just putting on a little bit. I mean, I’m the one who put myself in this situation, nothing is truly holding me back from putting on a little liner. But alas, I said no.

The reassuring self talk continued throughout the 6 months, and by the end I can honestly say I was in such a better mental place. In fact, it was awhile after that 6 months that I decided to put on makeup again, and when I did I genuinely thought I looked like a clown. Did I really think all this blush, shadow, and massive eyeliner made me “pretty”??

I was happy with my new found confidence and didn’t wear makeup most of the time for the rest of college. After graduation however, life seemed so uncertain. A new city, new people, new jobs, my confidence waned from increased daily pressure of trying to find my place in the world. Thus, I turned to my own friend make-up to give myself a little extra boost of encouragement.

That was 6 years ago, and now I’m living in even more uncertain times: a global pandemic! Even the word itself “pandemic” is unnerving. Throughout this pandemic I’ve been having to face my naked-faced self once again and come to terms with what I really look like, who I really am without all the cover up, contouring, and eyebrow filler. I remember my 22 year old self and the confidence she had at the end of her fast. How silly she felt being chained to make up. How mad she would be at me now for going to back to my old habits and falling into the dogma that says how I look matters more than who I am.

So here I am, May 2020, facing my true self, for her and for me. It’s not easy, and the little critics in my mind definitely remind me how much I need make-up to be even remotely attractive and loved. They aren’t who I want to be though. They don’t speak what is true. So as the critics fill my head with incessant lies, I look to my 22 year old self, and mustering up as much as confidence as I can, remind myself, “I’m awesome, with or without make up” and continue on my day.